If were going to practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability.
Two more significant weaknesses. I've slowly started listening to my inner voice (conscience) to help me establish boundaries. I can say ______ is my boundary, but in practice, that's not always the case. Being honest and authentic with myself is critical. I think I had boundaries but I didn't hold myself accountable to them. I had that set of rules I lived by, a code, but depending on my mood, the amount of times I had sex or masturbated that week, stress, triggers, or any emotions I had would determine how faithful I was to my "code". It was much easier to take care of my stresses by numbing out and disconnecting from the real world. With weak boundaries, I also had no accountability. So, if I broke a boundary and no one knew, then no one else cared. I certainly didn't care. I think I didn't have accountability because my rules for myself were "for show" anyway...
I cheated on my wife because I didn't love my wife. I didn't love my wife because she didn't love me. She didn't love me because I had become this monster that had no boundaries and even less accountability. I didn't love my wife because of my attachment disorder. I consumed my wife. Attachment disorder is a "trust" problem. Why should I have boundaries and be accountable to someone I didn't love or trust? My biggest fear is rejection. She spent 13+ years rejecting a sex addict. Awareness has been pivotal to turn this shit around. The tough part, she probably does (or did) love me. I just wasn't capable of feeling it. To me, I felt like she was faking it or forcing it. I thought her love was not authentic or genuine. Probably because I don't love myself. If I can love myself, my boundaries, my accountability... maybe she can love me again? And maybe, this time, I can feel it? But if not, I can learn to love myself regardless.
Two more significant weaknesses. I've slowly started listening to my inner voice (conscience) to help me establish boundaries. I can say ______ is my boundary, but in practice, that's not always the case. Being honest and authentic with myself is critical. I think I had boundaries but I didn't hold myself accountable to them. I had that set of rules I lived by, a code, but depending on my mood, the amount of times I had sex or masturbated that week, stress, triggers, or any emotions I had would determine how faithful I was to my "code". It was much easier to take care of my stresses by numbing out and disconnecting from the real world. With weak boundaries, I also had no accountability. So, if I broke a boundary and no one knew, then no one else cared. I certainly didn't care. I think I didn't have accountability because my rules for myself were "for show" anyway...
I cheated on my wife because I didn't love my wife. I didn't love my wife because she didn't love me. She didn't love me because I had become this monster that had no boundaries and even less accountability. I didn't love my wife because of my attachment disorder. I consumed my wife. Attachment disorder is a "trust" problem. Why should I have boundaries and be accountable to someone I didn't love or trust? My biggest fear is rejection. She spent 13+ years rejecting a sex addict. Awareness has been pivotal to turn this shit around. The tough part, she probably does (or did) love me. I just wasn't capable of feeling it. To me, I felt like she was faking it or forcing it. I thought her love was not authentic or genuine. Probably because I don't love myself. If I can love myself, my boundaries, my accountability... maybe she can love me again? And maybe, this time, I can feel it? But if not, I can learn to love myself regardless.