Shame is all about fear.
Fear, hurt, anger, and sadness are my default settings. When I am in a "shame storm", these are the emotions for how I feel. But my body also feels heavy. My mood feels incredibly sad and depressed. I also turn to anger and blame during a shame storm. So, I will swing from sadness and depression to a rage of anger very quickly. In the past, to protect myself, I'd turn to porn to get rid of my shame. Which added to the shame. So, I'd never talk to anyone about my shame. In a shame storm I had no courage. Part of my problem, I have fear most of the time, even when I do something good or succeed. Fear and shame also trigger my ADD.
Because I don't have control over my sexual addiction, I have shame. If I had inappropriate sexual desires accompanied by lust, I would find guilt. But since my addiction is a daily reminder of my addiction, I have shame. I have shame because I can't change the weakness. Sadly, my addiction is something I have exclusively with my wife. My shame now is that I have never loved my wife because of the shame that I had never taken care of before we got married. I never showed courage in my actions. I always let my default settings win out the day. My default settings were fear, hurt, anger, and sadness. These settings triggered the HULK. Sex crazed, bitter, clever, angry, destructive, manipulative... etc.
Now when shame comes to me, I have tools to process it and make it go away: my priesthood, daily self-worth boundaries, vulnerability, love and connection, and courage! I have my blog to open up to about my shame. I have my friends and my wife to confide in about my fears. Courage is response with acknowledgement without using shame or not using our default settings just because that's the easiest option. My courage, right now, is "in-home separation" with my wife.
Fear, hurt, anger, and sadness are my default settings. When I am in a "shame storm", these are the emotions for how I feel. But my body also feels heavy. My mood feels incredibly sad and depressed. I also turn to anger and blame during a shame storm. So, I will swing from sadness and depression to a rage of anger very quickly. In the past, to protect myself, I'd turn to porn to get rid of my shame. Which added to the shame. So, I'd never talk to anyone about my shame. In a shame storm I had no courage. Part of my problem, I have fear most of the time, even when I do something good or succeed. Fear and shame also trigger my ADD.
Because I don't have control over my sexual addiction, I have shame. If I had inappropriate sexual desires accompanied by lust, I would find guilt. But since my addiction is a daily reminder of my addiction, I have shame. I have shame because I can't change the weakness. Sadly, my addiction is something I have exclusively with my wife. My shame now is that I have never loved my wife because of the shame that I had never taken care of before we got married. I never showed courage in my actions. I always let my default settings win out the day. My default settings were fear, hurt, anger, and sadness. These settings triggered the HULK. Sex crazed, bitter, clever, angry, destructive, manipulative... etc.
Now when shame comes to me, I have tools to process it and make it go away: my priesthood, daily self-worth boundaries, vulnerability, love and connection, and courage! I have my blog to open up to about my shame. I have my friends and my wife to confide in about my fears. Courage is response with acknowledgement without using shame or not using our default settings just because that's the easiest option. My courage, right now, is "in-home separation" with my wife.